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"Need an excuse to have sex this week?" my cringe-worthy subject line to POPSUGAR's 300+ staffers last week read. I was desperate; I needed more limbs — at least, more than the four I've got — to try the latest and greatest instant self-tanners and body bronzers. My only rule: volunteers must put the formulas to the elusive Sex Test. (You know, the X-rated version of an infomercial demo, where — instead of proving that apples, almonds, and chicken don't stand a chance against your Slap Chop — you discover a landmine of one-day-only formulas that won't smudge onto your partner's leg at the first sign of sweat during horizontal tango.) Obviously, no on-screen show necessary.
In any case, the response could have made crickets blush. (Shout-out to Chris from the copy-editing team for taking the bait; I appreciate you.) So I'll say this loud, and I'll say it proud: Ahead are the self-tanners that I can personally attest will leave your skin with a kiss of colour, while ensuring that the actual kissing going on will not also ruin your white 300-thread count bed sheets. Satisfaction, guaranteed.