Warning: slightly disturbing spoilers about the Hulk in Avengers: Endgame ahead.
Here's something you're probably not expecting to happen to you after seeing the latest Avengers movie: developing a strange, disturbing, inexplicable crush on the Hulk. And no, I don't mean Mark Ruffalo [1] playing the Hulk's human alter-ego, Bruce Banner; I mean the big, green, smashing machine version of the Avenger. The Hulk, Hulk.
The character got a bit of a makeover in Thor: Ragnarok, which was apparently filmed after the Hulk finally found an eyebrow threading place he enjoyed, but we didn't get to see much of him in Infinity War given Bruce's internal struggles with the giant force living inside him. But in Avengers: Endgame [2], we touch base with Bruce after he's decided to stop fighting the Hulk. Now the two coexist in one vaguely human, mostly Hulk-like body — he's still a moss-coloured behemoth, but now he wears navy blue sweaters. And glasses. And speaks with Mark Ruffalo's calm, perfect voice. He's not as chilling as Superman's CGI'd face [3] in Justice League, and not as cartoonish as Shrek, but somewhere uncomfortably (and attractively) in the middle. All those guys holding fish on Tinder? Shaking.
Since most of Hulk's storyline in Endgame revolves around reversing Thanos's deadly Snap [4], there isn't much time to check in on what he does in his free time. Fortunately, we have a pretty good idea:
- Endgame Hulk walked in the Women's March with you.
- He also stayed up all night making signs covered in hilarious science puns for both of you to carry.
- Endgame Hulk would probably say Wes Anderson is his favourite director.
- Endgame Hulk has an entire closet just for his cable-knit sweater collection.
- Endgame Hulk would never say "All Lives Matter."
- Endgame Hulk would tell you that you look pretty with no makeup on — and mean it.
- Endgame Hulk figured out how to slow down the rapid effects of climate change but is still really humble about it.
- Endgame Hulk's guilty pleasure is an apple martini.
- If he really had to choose, Endgame Hulk would say a Golden Retriever is his favourite kind of dog.
- Endgame Hulk knows how to sail.
- Endgame Hulk would go with you to the farmer's market every Saturday morning.
- Endgame Hulk is on a first name basis with the Obama family.
- Endgame Hulk is really vocal about how much going to therapy has helped him.
- Endgame Hulk prefers to read "real" books instead of on his Kindle.
- He definitely still has a library card, too.
- Endgame Hulk thinks Godzilla was just misunderstood.
- Endgame Hulk could write a thesis about toxic masculinity, if you asked him to.
- Endgame Hulk truly can't taste the difference between regular milk and oat milk.
- Endgame Hulk is the face of Big and Tall's new eco-friendly clothing line.
- He also subscribes to the Lands' End catalogue.
- Endgame Hulk is spending next year abroad working for habitat for humanity to make up for all the buildings he smashed.
- Endgame Hulk is thinking about ordering a set of tarot cards from Amazon.
- Endgame Hulk can't come to the phone right now because he's too busy organising a Twitter campaign to fight for equal pay.
Just in case you don't believe me, or think I desperately need to go to church, I went ahead and rounded up a few pieces of evidence from fellow Endgame audience members, which you can see ahead.