Riverdale's Season 3 Finale Is So Bonkers, It Feels Like I'm on Fizzle Rocks

I have a list of people on Riverdale who just won't go away. Penelope has been on that list since season one, but she's always fallen a few slots behind Hiram Lodge and Hal Cooper. Well, now she's officially tied for the number one spot with Hiram. I'm just going to say it: this woman has to go (*threateningly glides pointer finger across neck*).

This entire season, Penelope has been working with Betty's dad, Hal (aka the Black Hood), and the Gargoyle King. She's the one who reintroduces the fatal game Griffins & Gargoyles to the city because she's pissed that no one stopped her from being sold to the Blossoms as a child bride (which, OK, I can see why she's mad).

All of this has led up to her basically kidnapping Archie, Betty, Jughead, and Veronica and forcing them to partake in a quest located in the woods. If they don't complete it, they die. Her goal is to prove that they're just as dark and evil as the town that allowed her to go through such a traumatic event when she was younger. Throughout the teens' midnight journey, Penelope keeps a close eye on them (probably plotting to murder them regardless) and pops in to remind them that their lives depend on the quest's completion.

At one point, Betty and Veronica are forced to drink poison, and the only way to get the antidote is if Betty shoots and kills her father who's guarding the medicine. And if she doesn't take him out, he'll shoot her along with her friends. After some back-and forth verbal spats, Betty shoots Hal, but doesn't kill him. Penelope — apparently tired of all the nonsense — comes out and shoots Hal in the head.

Eventually, the teenage squad is rescued by Cheryl, Toni, and the Pretty Poisons gang, which allows Betty and Veronica to take the antidote. But amid the chaos, Penelope slips away to who knows where.

If you were sceptical about not seeing Chic's body last season after Betty brings him to the Black Hood, you had good reason. Turns out, Hal decided to spare Chic's life after the troubled teen swore to help him seek revenge on Riverdale. So, Chic joins forces with the Black Hood and Penelope — who dyes his hair red and calls him by her late son's name, Jason – to wreak havoc on the town.

As a part of Penelope's game, Archie has to fight a bear just like he does off-camera earlier in the season. I just want to include this because when I saw this part, I rolled my eyes so far back into my head, I could see my frontal lobe. Why do they keep making Archie fight bears? PETA, wya?

This one is a relief. Alice Cooper isn't brainwashed by the farm after all. She's working with the FBI to bust the cult's leader, Edgar Evernever, for harvesting the organs of people who join the farm. This whole time, she's been earning Edgar's trust in order gain intel. (I can't believe she'd go so far as to throw her own grandchildren in a fire to prove her feigned loyalty, but whatever — it's Riverdale.)

And the FBI agent she's working with is none other than her long-lost son, Charles. That brings us to the next major shocker on the season finale . . .

At last, we meet Alice Cooper and F.P. Jones' lovechild! After Betty and Jughead survive Penelope's twisted game, they go back to the farm to help Alice and the rest of the people there escape. But when they get there, it's too late, and Kevin tells them that everyone has left to go "ascend." We don't entirely know what that means for the farmies specifically, but in the Griffins & Gargoyles game, ascension means death.

Later, Betty and Jughead are visited by an FBI agent who reveals himself as Charles Smith, their half-brother. It looks like next season, these three siblings are going on a mission to save Alice.

I need to see Hiram's birth certificate, because I'm pretty sure his middle name is "schemer." (The name Hiram Schemer Lodge would actually be one of the less madcap monikers on the show.) He's currently in prison after Veronica and Archie set him up and got him arrested for partaking in illegal gambling. But of course Hiram is well-connected and has buddies on the inside. He enlists a few authorities to help frame his wife, Hermione, for attempted murder (which she did do, but there wasn't any evidence that we knew of). We see Hermione being handcuffed and arrested in front of Veronica, but that storyline won't really unfold until next season. Personally, I just can't believe Hiram is still alive.

In perhaps one of the craziest twists in the finale, there's a flash-forward to Spring, which is during Betty, Archie, Veronica, and Jughead's senior year. Apparently things have gone awry, because Betty, Veronica, and Archie are standing around a fire in the woods looking distressed and covered in blood. Betty and Veronica prompt Archie to burn Jughead's beanie, saying that whatever just happened has to remain a secret.

Is Jughead dead? Did he do something criminal, and he's now on the run? What's going on?! We'll just have to wait to find out.