I hope this is a judgement-free zone because, no, in all my 25 years of living, I have not watched "Hocus Pocus [1]" — that is, until now. In my defence, I was born four years after the spooky classic debuted in 1993. Plus, I'm not an avid cable viewer, so I never tuned in to watch it during its many showings on TV. But I'm proud to say I've finally joined the "Hocus Pocus [2]" bandwagon and understand why it's such a beloved Halloween [3] film.
"Hocus Pocus" follows the comical Halloween misadventures of Max (Omri Katz), Dani (Thora Birch), and Allison (Vinessa Shaw) after they summon the Sanderson sisters [4] (played by Bette Midler, Sarah Jessica Parker [5], and Kathy Najimy [6]) — the trio of wild witches [7] from 17th-century Salem [8] on a mission to reclaim their youth by feeding on the town's children, which sounds a lot scarier than it actually is.
Despite "Hocus Pocus"'s 33 percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes [9] and initial flop at the box office (it grossed less than $45 million on a $28 million budget, per The Wrap [10]), the movie is still considered a bona fide cult classic. Now, I still haven't seen "Hocus Pocus 2 [11]" yet — which premiered on Sept. 30 — but my curiosity made me go back and finally watch the original film to see what I've been missing out on [12] all these years.
If you're feeling nostalgic this Halloween and want to know what a first-time viewer thinks of "Hocus Pocus," read ahead for all my unfiltered thoughts.
- Kenny Ortega made this? Oh, I'm in for a treat.
- Crazy that my first introduction to SJP as a kid was "Sex and the City [14]" and not this movie. (Don't ask why.)
- Why is it that in movies, when people spot a mysterious thing in the distance they run towards it? I would've acted like I never saw that pink smoke.
- Running barefoot through the woods is one of my biggest fears.
- Why is she walking into this strange house alone? Where are her parents?!
- The iconic Sanderson sisters have arrived.
- Winifred's nails are giving.
- The fact that he's breaking into their house barefoot really bothers me.
- Does he really think they can't see him??
- I know it smells crazy in there.
- OK, youth potion — that might've did something for them.
- For a family movie, a public witch hanging seems a little much.
- I wish my teachers told Halloween [15] stories in class like this when I was in grade school.
- We love a good holiday conspiracy theory.
- Again, what is this obsession with travelling through the woods? To a cemetery, no less.
- Nothing says bold like spelling your name out in a haircut.
- Dani's costume is a Halloween [16] mood.
- These bullies look a little old to be in high school.
- Now, what kind of Halloween party is this?
- Yabos?
- I'm all for scary stuff, but visiting a house that belongs to a group of dead witches is where I draw the line.
- He said the movie title! *cue the Leonardo DiCaprio [17] meme*
- Now why would he light that candle?
- Oh, there goes the virgin joke.
- Wow, the girls still look good after all those years — I know that's right.
- Now would be a great time for Max to come save his sister . . .
- I'm no witch expert, but do they not like water? Is that part of the witch rules?
- Oh, this talking cat is some freaky looking CGI.
- Did she just eat a spider?
- They said the title again!
- I love how they're staying true to the witch folklore: flying on brooms, casting spells, having an evil agenda — they understood the assignment.
- OK, seriously, what's up with this virgin joke?
- Finally, a real Halloween [18] party.
- Listen to your kids, people.
- They sing and dance, too? I think I get the Sanderson sisters hype now.
- That was a cute little number.
- Now they set them on fire.
- The Sanderson sisters: "It never gave dead."
- Talk about shining the bat symbol. This is why their parents should be home.
- Poor Binx. He's been through enough.
- Never underestimate what a little salt can do.
- This vacuum cleaner is killing me.
- Aww, this is a sweet brother–sister reunion.
- I love how the parents have been absent for 90 percent of this movie.
- OK, I get the need for the sequel. Let me add that to my watch list.