Let me preface this with a disclaimer: I am not a holiday person. I like getting presents, of course, who doesn't love that? I'm just not very into the spectacle of the holidays. But what I do love, is a good holiday movie — especially ones that are unconventional and aren't the cheesefest [1] we're used to. Jingle Jangle: A Christmas Story [2] isn't one of those. It's incredibly cheesy and absurd, but it's such a damn delight that I watched it twice in one night. From the amazing cast [3] to the beautiful visuals and music I would happily listen to all season-long [4], everything about Jingle Jangle makes it an instant classic. Keep reading to follow along with me as I got to know Jeronicus, Journey, and a bunch of other J-named folks in David E. Talbert's Jingle Jangle: A Christmas Story.
- If my sister was seeing things in the flame, I would probably mock her, too, which tells me I'm the annoying sibling in every movie.
- Phylicia Rashad's voice is like a warm chocolate chip cookie. I've heard it in person, and that is the only way to describe it.
- Jeronicus is really such a Black name, I love it — like Jerrod and Cornelius had a beautiful name baby.
- I love the little puppet figures!! They're so cute and Christmas-y!
- I know this apprentice is going to be evil because he's wearing that hat and his name is Gustafson.
- OK, I'm here for this mustard plaid coat, Jeronicus!!!
- Wait a minute, this beat, though. This is the kind of beat that you imagine in your head when you strut into a room
- Damn, Justin Cornwell and Sharon Rose are both SO beautiful individually, it's almost cheating to have them as a couple.
- I'm obsessed with Joanne's hair. The way the hairstylist crafted the looks for the Black women in this movie is art in itself!!!!
- Oh, so Gustafson goes evil because he doesn't feel like he's getting enough attention? Please leave that sad mess to the professionals, aka all middle children, thanks!
- Oh, OK, homeboy just started drawing equations in the air. This is that kind of Christmas movie!
- That machine is called the "Jangleator 2000" in case you missed its name.
- Maestro Don Juan Diego really said it's an honour for you to finally meet him. I can already tell he and I are not going to get along.
- "I like when people stare at me!" It is too close to Christmas for Don Juan Diego to be this much of a Leo?
- I KNOW Gustafson isn't jealous of little Jessica — she's a whole child.
- See, this is how it starts: the robots gain sentience and the traits of a Scorpio, and then they go rogue.
- I did not know Ricky Martin could sound so sinister: I will never listen to "Livin' La Vida Loca" the same way again.
- Not borrow indefinitely! This doll's been awake for fewer than five minutes and he already knows how to neg someone into submission and plan a heist!?
- Here goes Jeronicus, looking like a brightly coloured snack in this blue and yellow pinstriped combo, about to have his heart broken.
- More dolls! But now they're depressing.
- Of course, Gustafson becomes the light-skin Willy Wonka of toys. For shame, Keegan-Michael Key!
- Dammit, why do the moms always have to be the one to die?!
- Jessica's doll has cog earrings, and I don't know why that breaks my heart a little.
- Now that woman is surely old enough to remember damn well that man's family is gone!
- Edison is adorable.
- Does everyone but Jeronicus have a British accent? Is that a Steampunk thing?
- I find it hilarious that Ms. Johnston had no qualms about admitting she reads the mail she delivers. That's a whole federal offence, but it's funny!
- Now why would she want to be with this grumpy man? Enough to sing to him? I'm getting Nikki Parker and Professor Oglevee vibes here.
- So they know when they're singing!?
- I know I'm a writer and haven't retained anything more complex than arithmetic, but I know those equations don't sound right.
- OK, so it's just nonsense. No one is finding the derivative of "spectacular."
- I know he didn't say Merry Christmas after delivering that blow to the man's whole life!
- Jessica is an inventor herself! We love a self-made woman.
- Aw, Madalen Mills is adorable and her hair!! She has cogs in the puffs like her mama used to. I'm obsessed!
- Little Journey is singing that song!!
- Come through, Anika Noni Rose!!!
- Wait, Journey is travelling to her grandfather's house by herself? How old is this child?!
- "Back in five minutes. Or more. Or less. Or more of less." That's a vibe, Jeronicus.
- Am I also a jaded old man, because I thought, "J-O-U, that's with a U" at the same time as him.
- Not allegedly, Jeronicus!
- He really said no and closed the door — someone call this child's mother immediately!!!
- He really said Journey could stay, like there was a choice. She's already there!
- "Well, you hurry back as slowly as you can." Damn, I think I just started loving these two as a duo. Journey's so cute, and Jeronicus is so grumpy — it's a classic formula!!
- Keegan is honestly the best villain for this movie — he's all lanky and suspicious.
- Little did I know how accurate "light-skin Willy Wonka of toys" would be.
- You're telling me it's been 30 years and this fool STILL hasn't fixed that damn toy? He doesn't deserve the money!
- Oh, so Gustafson's still letting Juan Diego use his insecurities against him. My man, he's a toy!
- Wow, who knew Forest Whitaker could remind me so much of my mom.
- Look, y'all aren't going to get me going with this fake maths again. You better at least pretend to care about real statistics!
- But also, we really got an adorable Black girl talking about fake STEM with a fro-hawk! I love this absurd movie so much.
- Oh, so everyone can casually do maths in the air. Cool.
- Yes to Little Jessica having made her own invention!
- Journey is so adorable — I'm going to ignore the fake maths in this song purely because I enjoy listening to her sing, and this musical moment is empowering.
- I low-key want to be Journey when I grow up — she's so beautifully confident. Y'all better have all your little ones watch this!!!
- "Because there's nothing that says I can't." I KNOW THAT'S RIGHT, JOURNEY!!
- Kids really just be touching things, huh?
- Buddy 3000 is triggering my Wall-E feels, and I cannot go back there!
- OK, I can guarantee no parent is going to want a toy for their child that can make them fly.
- Less belief?? Jerry is so jaded that he brought the whole room down that severely?!
- I know Jeronicus is depressed, and I feel for him, but I also can't help but be really impressed with Forest's singing voice. Take this to Broadway — I wanna see it live!
- Buddy, that was not the time to turn on again. Read the room, dude.
- What we're not going to do is have men in longline green coats creeping up on young women in dark alleys. Not in 2020!
- Oop, Journey told Gustafson to stay six feet back at all times!!!
- Wow, I would never leave Edison alone in the shop — not even for a bathroom break.
- Ms. Johnston, please. I beg you. Stop.
- What kind of snowball's nonsense is that?! I keep forgetting this movie has magic in it, then they talk about dividing by impossible and I remember.
- Why was that snowball thrown so hard, though?
- Not a breakdance mid-snowball fight! Look at Forest go!!! Oh my god, I have never been more delighted by children's chicanery.
- See, I KNEW Edison was gonna do something wrong. A whole mess.
- You're telling me that Gustafson didn't even test the damn thing before showing it to investors? Rookie mistake.
- THEY STARTED A FIRE?! Dear christ. Let me go check out my birth control options one more time, chile.
- Not them with a fake theory to get through fan blades!! There's a whole other half of that tunnel behind them — maybe see where that leads instead?!??!
- So glad they made it through, but I am suing someone for the distress I went through watching that. Where is my mulled wine?!
- Y'all better let that trio hit that falsetto!
- Journey's a whole schemer! She conned both her mama and her grandfather into letting her go to Jingle Jangle's. We love a queen who makes things happen instead of waiting for someone else!
- IT'S ANIKA'S TIME!!! I'm probably going to watch Princess and the Frog after this, just because her voice is so addictive.
- Aw, this is such a cute and optimistic song!
- 🎶 Reunited and it feels so good! 🎶
- How very Notebook of you, Jeronicus. Message for everyone out there: SEND YOUR DAMN LETTERS! Life is too short not to.
- Awwwww, this is supercheesy, but it's so damn sweet! He's finally smiling again!
- I'm gonna need to know how Journey sleeps with her hair done up like that because I can barely keep a bonnet on.
- Buddy's Wall-E eyes are making me feel emotional — I am not OK.
- I didn't even realise that Gustafson was wearing the hat at an angle!! Someone arrest him for the gaudiness of it all.
- Not him trying to get Jeronicus arrested and Journey outsmarting him! An ingenious queen!!!
- Look at Juan Diego turning coat! A whole snake.
- "Why are you here sir?" Keegan is SO funny — I love his indignation.
- SEE, LOOK, all he had to do was wait!! 30 years of nonsense because he let his Gemini pettiness get in the way. (Journey is obviously an Aquarius, if you were wondering.)
- Here goes Mr. Bank man, acting like Jeronicus wasn't going to come through. You better give him his coin, sir!!!
- OK, the floating in the air thing is too much for me — this is where I leave you all.
- JK, I had to see how it ends. I KNEW Phylicia was a grown-up Journey! Aquarians rarely age poorly.
- So, those kids never realised they lived across from Jeronicus's factory? That place is big and bright as hell!
- OK, that was the cutest damn thing I've ever seen in my life. I'm gonna watch it again!