In the midst of a pandemic, the face mask has quickly become a symbol of political turmoil and a flashpoint for heated debate. This simple piece of personal protective equipment has been shown to slow the spread of the virus [1] and may also protect the wearer [2] to some degree, meaning that other peoples' decision to wear a face mask [3] or not can have a direct effect on your health. It's no surprise that tempers are flaring in both public and private settings where face mask use is an issue.
Maybe you're at a shop or restaurant where someone is refusing to wear a mask. Maybe you're spending time with a friend or family member who won't put one on. Whatever the situation, speaking your mind about this topic gets dicey, leading to confrontations that can end relationships and feel threatening. How do you navigate these situations so you feel safe, without leading to a blowout argument? POPSUGAR spoke to Chevonna Gaylor [4], LMFT, a Los Angeles therapist who specialises in relationships and communication, to find out.
Recognise That It's Not Personal
Before you even start the mask conversation, Gaylor said, take a step back. Remember that, even though it might feel like it, this person's disagreement is not with you personally. "We all tend to be protective of our beliefs," she said; yes, sometimes to the point of risking safety before admitting that there are different views. "It's important that people understand that the resistance is not about them," Gaylor explained. "It's really about the person wanting to protect their own beliefs and values."
With that in mind, know that the person you're talking to may get defensive when they hear a different view about face masks, causing them to "dig their heels in deeper," Gaylor continued. "And then it becomes a power struggle." At that point, it's no longer about wearing a mask or not; it's about "winning" the fight. You're less likely to actually convince the person to wear a mask once the they get entrenched in their opinion.
So what is the right approach?
How to Talk About Face Masks: Validate, Ask, Set a Boundary
To avoid an argument in which no one wins and everyone gets angry, Gaylor suggested a three-step approach.
- Validate. The first step might be the hardest: "We're going to validate their right to have their own opinion," Gaylor said. "We're not debating whether a person has a right to have a different view." Gaylor suggested saying something like, "I understand you may feel differently about this. I understand you may have different views. You absolutely have a right to feel differently."
- Ask. Once you've shown you understand and respect their opinion, you shift to your "ask." "I'm asking you, even if you don't agree, can you just wear a mask while we're together?" Gaylor suggested saying. "At that point, that person has a choice. They can still hold on to their view, but also honour what you're asking them to do." Essentially, you're giving them a way to comply without accepting defeat, because they don't have to give up their own opinion. "They actually are being empathic and altruistic and compassionate in their approach," Gaylor explained. "They're wearing the mask as a stance of compassion as opposed to a stance of defeat."
- Set a boundary. "You hope you don't get there, but the third step is that you have to set a boundary, for yourself, for your loved ones," Gaylor said. With someone you don't know, that might be asking them to leave a public setting, or maybe leaving yourself. With a friend or family member, it may be that you can't see them in-person or have discussions about this topic. "Maybe it's 'I can't have you over, if you're not willing to respect where I'm coming from,'" Gaylor said. "'It's not that I'm upset that you disagree, I really need you to respect where I'm coming from.'"
Use These Steps in Public or Private
You can use these same steps whether you know the person or not, Gaylor said. She noted that it might be easier to set boundaries with a stranger when you're in a public place, but on the other hand, you can appeal to your relationship with someone you already know; "asking that they respect your views out of an honour for the relationship." And if you're in a public area, be aware of your surroundings and keep your own physical safety at the forefront of your mind. "Know when to disengage," Gaylor said. "When you feel that what you're expressing is not being heard . . . the back and forth is not going to work."
Come From a Place of Respect
Calmly talking things out when your health is at risk can feel frustrating. But if we don't come from a baseline of respect, we won't get anywhere, and we certainly won't be able to convince anyone to put on a mask. The key point: "get back to the humanity of each person," Gaylor said. "Focus more on, 'These are my feelings, those are your feelings. How can we coexist and look at the humanity of each other?'"