Ah, the age-old question of "how to keep the spark alive" in a relationship. I'm by no means a credentialed relationship expert, but I can tell you that in my four years of being with my partner, we've done a pretty good job at maintaining that love momentum [1]. Sure, there are times when we simply enjoy the quiet familiarity of each other, and even times when we quarrel or get frustrated with each other, but we also make a serious effort to keep the fire we have for each other burning [2]. And while four years isn't very long in the grand scheme of the life we plan on sharing together, it is long enough to leave the honeymoon phase [3] and enter real life together. And so far, that real life has been pretty amazing. Here's how we do it, and why I feel confident the sparks will keep flying as time goes on.
We Make Sure to Show Appreciation For Each Other
The other night, after a long day of work followed by an hour at the gym [5], my boyfriend told me he was going to make dinner for us while I showered and blow-dried my hair. He showed appreciation for me by making dinner when he knew I was tired. This, of course, is just one small way we show appreciation for each other that makes a big impact. Sometimes appreciation happens quickly and in passing. Maybe it's thanking each other for taking care of a household chore, dropping the other person off at the airport, or picking up their coffee order [6]. And sometimes it's just as simple as saying "You're awesome" via text message.
We Foster Our Physical Connection
The way a couple nurtures their physical intimacy is very personal and varied — but still extremely important no matter your style. Being physical with each other — and that includes holding hands, kissing, cuddling, and great big hugs — is one of the primary things that sets a romantic relationship apart from other types of relationships, and it truly helps keep that spark alive [7]. We make a concerted effort to foster the physical aspect of our relationship, and those pre-bedtime cuddle sessions are a must!
We Have a Recurring Date Night
Every first week of the new month we have what we call "New Budget Month Dinner." It's a standing date that involves zero guilt for spending a chunk of change on a nice dinner out together. Not only is it good for our budget [8] to be deliberate when spending money on dining, but it gives us something consistent to look forward to and an opportunity to try new restaurants. The special-ness of these dinners also means we really focus on each other. It's considered sacred time — phones are put away and conversation is purposeful and fulfilling.
We Spend Time Apart
I'm currently in the midst of planning a two-week solo holiday [9] for myself to visit a friend in Switzerland, and my partner is planning a similar solo holiday for himself with his good friend. These solo adventures are something we've each had in our relationship from the very beginning, and they've proven essential to our personal happiness and romantic connection. I admit that spending that much time apart may be extreme for some couples, but we both thrive in having personal experiences and, as result, our relationship does too.
Spending time apart [10] might also mean taking an evening or a whole Saturday to do our own thing, having dinner with friends, or pouring our time into a personally hobby. While we love hanging out, that alone time gives us the chance to miss each other. It provides us with experiences to talk about, and knowing each other has a strong sense of self is super attractive.
We Support Each Other’s Hobbies and Interests
Sometimes existing hobbies and passions don't overlap, but there's still room here to strengthen your bond. For example, I'm a singer who's involved with the local symphony chorus and occasionally sings professionally. My biggest cheerleader is my boyfriend, who shows up to important concerts and gigs. Before we met, he didn't know much about classical music, but now when the symphony lists their new season, he's enthusiastic and knowledgeable about the upcoming performances.
Conversely, while I'm not very outdoorsy, he thrives in rugged, natural settings. I'm terrible at kayaking, but of course I joined him on a kayak adventure [11] when he asked. And of course I'll go camping [12] with him even though I'm really attached to my flat iron and modern plumbing. I really appreciate that he brought more of these outdoorsy experiences into my world — whether it's spending a Saturday morning hiking or roughing it overnight in the wilderness.
We Make Time For Each Other
Even when we're exceptionally busy with work and life, we still take the time to check in and be present with each other. Whether it's a sit-down dinner together before running through out to-do lists or making sure to talk for a little bit on the phone when either of us is travelling, those little moments have a big impact. Then, when things have settled down, spending time together is top priority.
We Indulge Spontaneity
There's something beautiful about consistency and lazy days, but a little spontaneity can poke the love fire. It can be as grand as a weekend road trip [13] to somewhere stunning, or as simple as an impromptu visit to grab an ice cream cone before strolling through the park. Those things help keep our relationship exciting.
We Keep Getting to Know Each Other
When we first began dating, we answered those popular "36 Questions to Fall in Love [14]" questions and, well, we might not have told each other "I love you" at the end, but we did become very close as a result. That deep curiosity about each other has continued. In everyday conversations, we're both eager to gain the other's perspective, we'll posit interesting "what if" and "on a scale of one to 10" scenarios, and have even purchased books that prompt question asking.