Jada Pinkett Smith's Advice For Successful Relationships

1 Jada Pinkett Smith on Separating Love From Ownership

Image Source: Getty / Gilbert Carrasquillo

POPSUGAR: In one of your recent episodes of Red Table Talk, Willow [Smith] mentioned that she is trying to evolve from restricting ideas of love by separating love from ownership. What are your thoughts on that?

Jada Pinkett Smith: I think you own no one — and actually feeling as though you own someone is not very loving. There's some people that believe that's deep love, you know what I mean? And people should have a right to that, too. Just for me, ownership is an illusion and so I'm definitely one that believes you have to love in freedom. And that's a difficult road and that's an ongoing process.

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2 Jada Pinkett Smith on Creating the Type of Relationship That Works For You

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PS: In your opinion, how could someone approach the conversation of having an open relationship with their partner? Especially if they've been in a long-term monogamous relationship?

JPS: Sometimes you just have to be patient and you have to wait for that opening to even have the conversation. But if you can find something within entertainment like our Red Table Talk on polyamory or Woody Allen's Vicky Cristina Barcelona, then you can start a conversation about the subject matter that is not connected to your personal relationship and just see where your partner is sitting.

"Sometimes it takes really having to sit in that pain by yourself and be alone to find that strength within yourself and find the jewel of your heart, and of your spirit, that makes you who you are."

You could approach it by saying, "Oh, wow. I thought that was kind of cool, what did you think about it?" Or you could say something like, "I thought it was interesting that he had this girl and that the relationship worked when she was there, but it didn't work when she wasn't." I think that's an interesting way to at least see how wide the opening is for communication about it.

When you're talking about intimate relationships, those intimate relationships are sitting on some very deep trauma buttons. You don't even realise it until you start to move into certain directions. And so it's a very gentle, patient process.

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3 Jada Pinkett Smith on Navigating Emotional Insecurities in Your Relationship

Image Source: Getty / Kevin Winter

PS: Do you have any advice on dealing with emotional insecurities within a relationship? Like overthinking and balancing that emotional world? Especially as women?

JPS: Self-love is a really deep journey — to me, it's about emotional independence. You got to know you're okay with or without someone and, usually, whatever someone else is going through has nothing to do with you.

I think that relationships are a place for learning. It's really a place to learn about yourself, how to clear up our insecurities, and how to find those places within ourselves that we have to learn to stand alone. We need to learn how to make our own selves happy, not looking for someone to lift us up in some way. We have to be our own biggest cheerleader. What I have learned is that I've had to really strengthen my connection with my higher power and that everything I love, including myself, must go up through the higher power and then disperse out.

We depend too much, specifically women. We think that our relationships are our identity. So depending on how our partners treat us, that says who we are, that says the quality of person that we are. So we're asking somebody to illuminate our light when they're trying to find their own. People are out here just trying to feel good in all the pain they're swimming in, right? And so it actually is an unfair request to expect someone to be something for us because people are really just trying to figure this sh*t out the best that they can. Sometimes it's good enough and sometimes it ain't, but at the end of the day you've got to know that you are the treasure.

Sometimes it takes really having to sit in that pain by yourself and be alone to find that strength within yourself and find the jewel of your heart, and of your spirit, that makes you who you are. It's not dependent on that man or that woman. If you depend on that, you will be failed every time and it's hard. It's a painful one, it's a painful journey, but it is the journey of freedom. And when we love ourselves in that way, we can love others so much more deeply. And you invite so much love in.

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