"Can I Move Tables?" and 18 Other Things You Definitely Shouldn't Say to a Bride or Groom

At their best, weddings are full of fun, happiness, and love. At their worst, they're a haven for sniping, family feuds, rudeness, and bad behaviour. You're better than that, but it's still easy to run your mouth off without thinking. Next time you go to a wedding, make sure you're not the one accosting the bride or groom on the dance floor to say any of the following (because we know exactly what the newlyweds will be thinking in return):

"The dress looks lovely on you, but I wouldn't have chosen it"
We all know you mean "I hate your dress." So how about just keeping that to yourself, eh?

"The service was a bit long / boring / serious wasn't it?"
Have you never been to a wedding before? That's half the fun.

"Why didn't you invite more single men / women?"
At £50+ per head, your relationship status, or that of any of our other guests, didn't really factor into the decision.

"Can I move tables?"
The seating plan took 3 weeks and resulted in numerous fights. Just quietly move without saying a word. Everyone will be too busy to notice.

"Why is the DJ playing this?"
Um, pretty sure he takes requests.

"I don't like the food"
That's good because the bride and groom definitely didn't pay over the odds for it, or agonise over the menu for weeks.

"Hmmm, so you're not big wine drinkers, then?"
As if the wine itself wasn't expensive enough, do you know how much corkage costs on top?

"Can I see the ring? Oh, did you just want something really simple, then?"
Dude, it was the diamond or the bar tab.

"So why did you decide to have a wedding after all this time?"
You literally spent the last five years asking when the wedding was. Go and have a glass of champagne and think about what you've done.

"What made you choose this venue?"
It was available, convenient to get to, and affordable. That's literally it.

"The speeches went on a bit, didn't they?"
The father of the bride's been working on his since the engagement. Let him have his 32-and-a-half minutes of fame.

"Mate, just think about it, you're never going to have sex with another woman/man again!"
Who needs a burger when you've got steak at home?

"Why did you choose that colour for the bridesmaids? It's very unusual."
Clearly the bride hates her friends and wanted to make them suffer. Also: Pinterest.

"Why is the bar tab closed?"
Because single malt whisky costs a fortune and apparently, despite the fact nobody's ever seen you drink anything aside from beer before, you chose tonight to order four doubles in a row.

"Why didn't you invite . . . "
No answer to this is going to make you happy. Just assume they couldn't make it.

"Why don't you have a photo booth / dessert table / string quartet / videographer / welcome cocktail / more guests?"
The answer is almost certainly "because we had to pay our rent".

"At my wedding . . . "
Can I just stop you right there?