There's nothing like that feeling when you leave a really great date [1] and you can't help bu feel lucky that you stayed single long enough to meet this amazing person and can't wait to see what happens next. Equally intense? The feeling when it just wasn't mutual and you never hear from them again. That, in today's society, is called ghosting. And it really f*cking hurts.
Soul crushing as it may be, it happens to so many people, especially when it comes to online dating [2]. And I think we can all agree that the worst part about it is not knowing what went wrong, which can make getting over it [3] that much harder. We turned to the experts for their advice on how best to deal with being ghosted. Keep reading to see what they had to say, and remember — you're better off anyway!
Positive Self-Talk
Resident relationship expert at eharmony, Dr. Seth Meyers [5], suggests healing through positive thinking. "There are certain things you can tell yourself, what psychologists call 'positive self-talk,' that will help you manage the disappointment and allow you to regain your confidence," he told POPSUGAR. He suggests taking a quick mental inventory of the traits you like most about yourself and actually list them out. "Once you've done so, reflect on the fact that these traits aren't changing anytime soon and that others will find them attractive."
Dr. Matthew Holden PhD, a 30+ year clinical psychologist who also happens to be my father, also suggests reframing those negative thoughts that come into your consciousness after you've been ghosted. "When your mind suggests that you did something wrong, come up with a metaphor like leaves falling off a tree and visualize those thoughts falling away from you," he told POPSUGAR. From there, replace the negative thoughts with affirming ones. "Let the leaves blow by and use hard evidence to remind yourself how wonderful you are," he continued. This might mean pulling out old letters of recommendation, cards from friends, or in my case, just calling your dad.
Trade Ghost Stories
Melissa Hobley, Global Chief Marketing Officer at OkCupid, reports that mentions of ghosting on OKCupid increased 21 percent since the beginning of 2019 and 38 percent in the past year. "Ghosting is nothing new, we just actually have a name for it now," she told POPSUGAR. With numbers like these, we know it happens to plenty of us, and we should take comfort in the fact that we're not alone. Asking a friend or your favourite co-worker if they've ever been ghosted and swapping stories can be therapeutic and help you move on. It can diffuse your fears that it's a you-only problem.
Nourish Your Body
"When we feel rejection, the body takes it literally," Melissa Forde [6], self-care expert and credentialed health practitioner, told POPSUGAR. "Sometimes perspective shifts are hard for people to grasp if they're in that fight or flight state. A nourishing meal or even a deep breath gives your body the information that you're OK, increasing blood flow to the part of the brain that can do the big picture thinking instead of the emergency response thinking."
Get Back Out There
"Ghosting means that person doesn't respect you," Gabi Conti, author of 20 Guys You Date in Your 20s [7], told POPSUGAR. "You might not see it now but there are people out there who will text you back, ask you out, and respect you. You're not going to meet those people if you're hung up on a ghost, so get out there!"
Give It Time
"There's only one way to find closure and heal your bruised heart and ego after you've been ghosted, and that is time," Founder and Matchmaker at Agape Match, Maria Avgitidis, told POPSUGAR. "It will take about three months to heal if you got ghosted after dating someone for a few months. Confronting them seems like a good idea, but this coward didn't even want to give you a warranted explanation. They're not going to give you what you need through confrontation."
Maria also stresses the important of remembering that the universe works in mysterious ways and we need to trust it, no matter how scary it might be: "Find comfort in knowing that when the right person comes along, it will make complete sense of why it never worked out with anyone else."