The first few years of my motherhood journey, I functioned as a sleepless zombie [1]. Watching other friends easily navigate their nighttime routines made me constantly question what I was doing wrong. The lack of sleep with my first son continued right into lack of sleep with my second son. My youngest refused to sleep through the night [2], while my oldest woke up before the sun rose. Being tired became a part of my personality, so I just pushed through it.
One day, while doing my hair, I noticed how thin it felt. My hair was falling out. I took a close look in the mirror and bags were under my eyes. Also, I now had an acne problem.
I did my best to balance graduate school, work, marriage, and motherhood [3]. While I would win in some areas, I was profoundly neglectful in others. My husband and I would argue [4] because he felt I wasn't spending any time with him. Once, during a fundraising campaign, I sent hundreds of letters requesting donations with the incorrect event information (of course, I didn't meet my goal). Realising my lack of sleep was compromising my marriage and my job, I read books on sleep training, followed step-by-step directions from well-wishing friends with sleeping children, and I even let my oldest stay up late in an attempt to reset his internal clock. I would wake two to three times per night with my youngest son for 16 months, and when I finally could settle in for a few hours of sleep, my oldest son would awake.
I was snappy and easily frustrated, and a wedge was growing between my husband and me. One day, while doing my hair, I noticed how thin it felt. My hair was falling out. I took a close look in the mirror and bags were under my eyes. Also, I now had an acne problem. My years of sleepless nights were taking their toll on me. This was not what I signed up for. I was on the verge of losing control.
While pregnant with my second son, I told my husband this would be my last baby, and after close to six years of reduced sleep, I decided to take that final step. I made an appointment with my doctor to get an IUD [6].
The best thing I've ever done is realising the importance of self-care [7]. I set out on this journey of motherhood with many false expectations about the mom/dad workload, the idea that I would bounce back to normal after the short three-month maternity leave, that my experience would match those of others [8], and I honestly thought after the newborn months, sleep would not be an issue. To reclaim a portion of who I was and to be the type of mother I wanted to be, I knew that two children was my limit.
My children are now 8 and 4. There are nights one or both of them wake up in the middle of the night, but unlike a few years ago, it's no longer a regular occurrence. The bags under my eyes have slowly begun to disappear, my hair is slowly growing back from a short haircut, my acne has cleared up, and I've found my way back to balancing marriage, parenting, and my career. I'm now a better version of me and am now living the life I prayed for.
As a mom of two boys, people ask me if I plan to try for a girl. As politely as I can, I smile and say, "No."