Chaperoning your kid's class field trip [1] is a dreaded duty every parent must take on eventually. Your grade schooler is dying for you to join them on their next class outing to the zoo, the theatre, or a museum, and you can only use the excuse of being too busy or, even better, not being "chosen" by the teacher (darn!) so many times before your number is up. And when it is, you're right to be afraid, very afraid [2]. Sure, you'll get to spend some extra quality time with your kid, but you'll also be joined by some stranger children who are sure to use your nonteacher and not-their-parent status against you.
Before you get on the school bus [3] to hell that is a field trip involving young children, prepare yourself. Not only do you need to be hydrated, carb-loaded, and armed with tissues (for them), Advil (for you), and a hell of a lot of patience, but you should also be prepared to gain some interesting insights into your own child, their friends, and your own pain tolerance. Here are 11 things you'll learn during your day of chaperoning, some of which you probably never wanted to know at all.
Who the Problem Child, Class Clown, and Nervous Kids Are
You'll quickly realize that not all children are created equal, and some are much more annoying than others. There's the kid who can't stop asking questions; the one who is very concerned about getting separated from the group, and therefore wants to be touching you at all times; and the kid who seems to think that being off school grounds means he can torment his classmates. Just hope that one's not in your group.
How Your Kid Interacts With Classmates
You might think you have a leader on your hands only to discover that she's pretty passive when surrounded by her classmates. Maybe your outgoing kid is constantly attached to his two best friends and talks to no one else. And maybe you'll find that the kid who can't keep her hands to herself or stop talking when she's supposed to be listening is actually yours. Shoot!
Who the Anxious Parents Are
For every naive parent that's amped to be on the field trip, there's another that knows what he's in for (probably thanks to older children or warnings from parent friends) and is supernervous about the whole thing. Also look out for parents of only children who are overwhelmed by being responsible for a larger group and for those naturally anxious parents who don't trust the real chaperones and decided to drive themselves to the field trip to make sure their child doesn't get abducted or lost.
Just How Hard Your Kid's Teacher's Job Is
You're given a group of three or four children to supervise, and it seems like an almost impossible job. One is running this way, the other is sprinting for the bathroom, and yet another won't let go of your right hand. How does your child's teacher manage 20-plus kids every single day without losing (or losing it on) one?
How Clueless Kids Can Be
On my daughter's last field trip, half of her class waited in line to get on a bus that was being boarded primarily by elderly people, and it wasn't even a school bus! Their reasoning: there was a line, so they got in it. This is why chaperones exist and why the job is far from easy.
How Much Stuff You Can Really Carry
You know how every time you're with your kid, you end up carrying all of their stuff? The same will happen on a field trip, only you'll be carrying the lunches, jackets, water bottles, and headbands of the entire group you're responsible for. Our advice? Bring an empty backpack.
The Pervasiveness of Kid Puke
It's a law of nature: someone will throw up during your child's field trip. Consider packing baby wipes, hand sanitizer, and plastic bags for makeshift cleanup, and pray that it isn't a kid in your group — or even worse, your actual child — that gets sick.
The Fear of Losing a Child
You remember when your first child was around 2 and you realized they had run away from you in the middle of Target, and you spent the most terrifying 30 seconds to five minutes of your life searching for them before you found them hiding in the middle of a rack of graphic tees? Expect to feel that way the entire time you're chaperoning, only the prospect of losing someone else's kid might be even worse than misplacing your own (you're pretty sure that one will come back).
How Crazy a School Bus Can Be
If you're given the option of following the school bus in your own vehicle, trust us, you should take it. If not, buy earplugs, a personal cooling device, and consider taking a Xanax before you board. It's going to be a bumpy ride . . . literally.
Why Advil and Wine Were Invented
You reached the end of your chaperoning experience. Your head is pounding, your feet are throbbing, you're pretty sure you've aged at least a decade, and chugging a whole bottle of wine doesn't sound like a bad idea. Then you remember: volunteering to chaperone is optional, and now that you've done it once, you'll never feel guilty about opting out again.