The revered Michael Scott once eyed his nemesis and HR rep Toby on the Office and said, "I hate so much about the things you choose to be."
It was a simple line, delivered to capture a series-worth of angst toward his coworker. And it's a line that perhaps might apply to your own life. That is, if you have a partner who snores [1].
So I write this letter on behalf of all of us. The person who has spent countless hours nudging the rounded shoulder of their (loving) partner in hopes of opening up a nasal pathway or dislodging an obtrusive booger, and, at times, has even walked themselves to the couch because, while the couch is a cold and lonely place to sleep, out there on the couch, no one snores. I pour this one out for you.
Dear Snorer,
Don't look around the room. I'm aware that you don't know you snore — it's one of your greatest attributes, that authentic naievette — but it's you I'm writing to. You and only you.
It's around 1:00 a.m. when the cacophony of unidentifiable sounds emanate form your side of the bed.
When you come to bed at night and wiggle yourself comfortable next to me I smile. The bed feels empty without you — colder, even — and though I'm already asleep and rarely acknowledge your addition to the bed, my sleep and my dreams are aware of your absence. I feel lucky that you choose to join me nightly.
That said, I need you to get it together.
It's around 1:00 a.m. when the cacophony of unidentifiable sounds emanate form your side of the bed. I've tracked the noise down to its creator, often starting with the dog because I don't want to blindly blame you, but alas, it's always coming from you.
Sometimes its dull and rhythmic and I can survive it by incorporating the thuds into a dream where I'm dancing in a dank dancehall, but usually, more often than not, the sounds are an invasion. They're deep, with a reverbing baseline that sticks in my mind.
Pal, you have got to stop this.
While I know that many people who snore might do so because they have medical conditions [2], sleep apnea, and even allergies, for you, none of this applies.
I hope as we near the new year, you can take this letter with you and come up with a plan of attack. If not, I have a few ideas of things you can try.
- Tape a tennis ball [3] onto the pajama top to encourage side sleeping, instead of back sleeping which promotes snoring.
- Avoid drinking alcohol near bedtime as it's known to increase snoring.
- Try wearing nasal strips to open up your nasal passages.
- Look into anti-snoring mouthpieces. Though often recommended for people with moderate sleep disorders, it's something to research.
Best of luck to you. To us.
Signed,
Awake
