Marriage — especially one that's lasted almost a decade [1] — is kind of like the world's slowest roller coaster. There are dramatic highs and lows and lots of occasionally bumpy, sometimes smooth, but mostly mundane ground to cover in between. This only becomes more true when you add kids to your family [2]; they make the highs higher, the lows lower, and definitely stretch out the monotonous nature of the in-between times.
As much as I thought I knew that marriage was going to be a lot of work [3] and contain some periods of serious strife, I never really accepted that my own marriage might hit a point [4] so low that I would question whether it was worth even trying to dig ourselves out. But then, suddenly and devastatingly, there I was, wondering if giving up on my marriage might be my best option. I couldn't believe we'd gotten there — amazing communication [5] and its tendency to nip big issues in the bud had always been a hallmark of our relationship — and not ever having been in such a bad place, I wasn't sure how or if we could recover.
Luckily, my husband's commitment to our marriage never wavered, and he was determined to rebuild our relationship and regain my faith in its potential to last a lifetime [6]. This fact alone reminded me of why I fell in love with him in the first place. Through a lot of work, therapy, and soul searching, our roller coaster started moving upward again, and now, just a few months later, we're miraculously stronger than ever. Here are the five vital lessons that saved us.
It's Not Just a Saying: Marriage Actually Is a Lot of Work
And both of you have to be willing to put in the effort. That being said, if you're in a bad spot primarily because of the actions of one partner (infidelity, addiction, neglect, etc.), that partner should also put in the lion's share of the repair work. The wronged party needs to feel like they're being won back or it can be really hard to believe that those destructive patterns won't repeat themselves.
In my situation, my husband and I made some really clear guidelines about behaviours that were and were not acceptable, and because I saw him stick to these for an extended period of time, I was able to trust that we would be able to get back to a good place.
Communication Never Gets Less Important
The strength of my marriage has always been communication, but we let life get in the way. Work schedules and the stresses and demands of children caused a disconnect that I didn't even notice until it got too big to ignore. Make an effort to talk about what's going on in your minds and lives (not just the children's events or milestones), even when it's not convenient or flattering. Your spouse is supposed to be there to support you, and it's hard to do so if you don't communicate what you need, both in general and from them specifically. In addition, be willing to really listen and take in what your partner is telling you they need.
Kids Mean You're Partnered For Life, and That Can Be a Good Thing
When we were at our lowest point, there was one thing (well, two things) that kept me from ever really giving up on my marriage, and that was our children. The desire to keep our family intact helped push me to face our problems head-on and try to make them better, and I'm so grateful that I did. I don't believe any couple should stay together, especially in an abusive or severely dysfunctional relationship, just for the children's sake, but I'm thankful that my children inspired me to find my way back to my husband.
Don't Be Too Proud to Ask For Help
Couple's therapy can be time consuming and expensive, but for my marriage, it was 100 percent worth every second and penny spent. Our wonderful therapist helped us confront the problems that were driving us apart without judgment or blame and opened our eyes to many of the underlying issues and personality traits that we had become blind to in our 12 years together. If you're in a really bad place in your marriage and just can't get out of it, finding a therapist can be a game changer. Consider going both together and individually.
You Both Have to Be in It to Make It Work
Someone once told me that the secret to her long marriage was that she and her husband never wanted a divorce at the same time. While there's definitely some truth to that joke, I'd say the caveat is that neither partner can really, truly want a divorce at all. Sure, you can want your spouse to make great changes and you can be frustrated by how your marriage is going, but you both need to be present and committed to doing the work to get back on track. If one partner is completely checked out, the other can't do it for them. But if you're both on the same page about wanting your marriage to last and doing everything necessary to achieve that, odds are you'll find your way to a happier place.