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Mom's Amazon Review of Kids Toys

This Mom's Hilarious Review of "Kids' Toys" She Bought Off Amazon Will Have You Rolling

My Amazon Review for "Mochi Squishies Squishy Toys Squeeze Random Animals Stress Toy Kawaii Squishies by Shovan, 30...

Posted by Susanne Kerns - Writer on Monday, May 21, 2018

Susanne Kerns, a writer and mom of two from Texas, recently wrote the mother of all Amazon reviews (on her Facebook), and we seriously cannot stop laughing. It all started when she bought a 30-piece package of Mochi Squishies Squishy Toys for her son's "'End of School' Treasure Box," and yes, she certainly got her money's worth.

She decided to take the time to write a full-fledged review of the toys in question if only so that other parents get a good chuckle out of the ordeal.

Dear Amazon,

I recently purchased your MSSTSRASTKSbS30P (aka Mochi Squishy Animal Stress Toys) for my son's 2nd Grade "End of School" Treasure Box. As always, I relied purely on all of your completely legitimate product reviews to make my final purchase decision. Sure, I was a little suspicious that all of the reviews were five stars, in broken English, and submitted within the past month, but I was sold by Sunny's critique about being "worried that the smell would be too heavy" but discovering that her "worries were superfluous" after receiving them. If they pass Sunny's sniff test, then that's good enough for me!

The mom moved ahead with her order, and as soon as the package arrived, her 12-year-old daughter and 8-year-old son were quick to investigate — which is when hilarity ensued.

"'That IS a penis! It even FEELS like a penis! THAT'S HILARIOUS! CAN I KEEP IT?!'"

After sorting through all 30 of the little squishies, Susanne told her kiddos they could each keep one for themselves. They admired the cute kitties, sweet panda bears, and adorable little piggies before coming across one that definitely didn't look like your run-of-the-mill animal.

"And then there was a pause. 'What animal is this, mommy?' Hmmmmm . . . I believe that the A in MSSTSRASTKSbS30P stands for ANIMAL, but kids, I'm pretty sure that THAT is a P, as in penis."

Obviously, her son had a field day with the news: "'That IS a penis! It even FEELS like a penis! THAT'S HILARIOUS! CAN I KEEP IT?!'"

"No, you can't keep it, that's not appropriate," Susanne told her son. "Instead Mommy's going to put it here on her desk next to her Christmas Story Leg Lamp. And under NO CIRCUMSTANCES, with the threat of losing your Nintendo Switch for the entire Summer, will you inform everyone at your class store that buys a MSSTSRASTKSbS30P with their hard-earned credits that you have a squishy at home that looks and feels just like a penis."

But Suzanne is well-aware of how much kiddos like to gab, so she plans on cutting her losses.

"And that is the story of how by this Friday, all 1,100 kids at my son's school will know me as 'the mommy who has a toy that looks like a penis' and no parents will allow their kids to come over for play dates ever again."

All in all, Susanne gave the product five stars — or aubergine emoji, hardy har!— and we have to commend her sense of humour.

Material-wise, they are dreamily squishy, like little magical marshmallows that will undoubtedly result in an emergency vet visit when my dog eats one. In related news, they attract pet fur like a mo-fo. They do clean up easily, unless it's the penis one, which makes you feel like a dirty old lady when you soap it up, so it will forever remain sticky with filth, in more ways than one.

In a hilarious update, Suzanne says she has made peace with her new little penis-shaped friend and has even joined a social media group in his honour.

"I have confirmation of what we all already knew. This thing is definitely a penis. The woman who confirmed it even has a Facebook group with almost 7,000 members called "THE ADVENTURES OF DINGDING," which solidifies my plans to put a Lego hat on mine and give it a name."

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