Remember when back-to-school shopping [1] used to be superfun? Your mom would take you to the mall to peruse the offerings at Limited Too and the local department store, you'd stock up on Lisa Frank Trapper Keepers [2], a Swatch watch, and slap bracelets, then you'd celebrate your shopping success with a treat at the food court?
Well, stocking up for back-to-school [3] is just a little different when you become the parent. While online shopping [4] has made the experience less time-consuming, quickly growing kids — how did their feet grow two sizes in two months?! — and in-store sales make a trip to your local shopping centre an inevitable evil. Too many options, crazy crowds, indecisive kids, and sticker shock all conspire to make school shopping [5] an experience that's equal parts frustrating and funny (hey, you have to laugh or you might just cry!). Here are the 20 stages of back-to-school shopping with kids [6].
You Realise the Relaxed Nature of Summer Is Almost Over
You look at calendar and realise, sh*t, Summer is coming to an end. Where did the last three months go?! And does this mean you have to start wearing makeup and real clothes again?
Your Kids' Summer Wardrobes Are Looking Gnarly
Your Summer outfits might be questionable fashion-wise, but you take a look at your kids and notice they've been wearing the same two pairs of shorts, swimsuit, and three t-shirts all season long, and they are all looking worse for wear.
You Accept The Fact a Shopping Trip Has to Happen
It's decided. You're going to have to take your children to an actual store to shop. You let the reality wash over you, knowing that it's not going to be easy, and it's not going to be fun.
You Realise Just How Much Stuff They Need
You make a list of everything your kids need — backpacks [8], school supplies, shoes, clothes — and are terrified by how long it is.
You Make a Plan and Pep Yourself Up
You attempt to plan the quickest, most effective, cheapest route to getting everything you need (three stores max), and give yourself a pep talk. You got this, mama.
A Stranger Tells You Your Kid's Current Shoes Are Two Sizes Too Small
You finally get a salesperson to help you. She measures your kids' feet and informs you that they've been wearing shoes two sizes too small all Summer.
You Finally Make Some Decisions
An hour and endless whining later, you force your reluctant shopper to pick one outfit and your shopping enthusiast to pare it down to two. At least they'll both have something to wear on the first day of school [9].
Your Kids Spot the Toy Section
Your kids hate every backpack at the next store, too, but they have found three toys and a video game they say they desperately need. You pull them away from the toy section and head to another store to get back on track.
You're Too Tired to Care About Prices
You finally find backpacks that your kids deem acceptable. You decide you don't care that they're $60 each. You've had all you can take, and you'll pay anything to end this experience as quickly as possible.
You Agree to Ice Cream, as Long as It's Someplace You Can Also Get Wine
Your kids remind you about that ice cream promise. You search for restaurants that serve both ice cream and wine.
You Vow Never Again
You finally head home, promising yourself you'll do all of next year's back-to-school shopping online. Who cares if your kids' shoes fit perfectly?