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A Total Stranger Mom-Shamed Me For Not Breastfeeding, and It Hurt Like Hell

04/09/2018 - 10:16 PM

Many years have passed since this incident, but a total stranger's horrible comment about my decision not to breastfeed my daughter [1] still haunts me. I never even saw this person face to face, since she mom-shamed me online [2]. Still, her harsh words ring in my ears to this day.

It all started because I'd written a blog post about why I chose to formula feed and how well it was going following an emotional, but ultimately failed, experience with breastfeeding [3]. I felt good sharing my story and hoped it would help other moms who were also struggling to breastfeed [4] embrace formula feeding without feeling guilty or ashamed. I shouldn't have read the comments; I knew I shouldn't have read the comments. But I did, and there they were — words that cut me so deep, it was as if I'd just been stabbed in the heart: YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE A MOTHER.

There they were — words that cut me so deep, it was as if I'd just been stabbed in the heart: YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE A MOTHER.

There was more. Some stuff about how selfish I was for not breastfeeding, and how my kids would grow up to hate me. You know, your typical internet troll rant [5] that I should have ignored or laughed off. But for some reason, I couldn't. Maybe it was because this stranger had laid bare my deepest fears [6], namely that because I'd failed to make breastfeeding work, I was somehow less of a good mother for my child. Or that, just as she'd hinted, I could never stack up against other moms who breastfed, and their kids were better off.

Against my better judgment, I wrote back to let this person know how badly her comment hurt me. Then I chastised myself even more for letting her know she'd "won" by getting a reaction out of me. Luckily, I was able to wrangle up enough self-control to close my laptop and never look to see whether she'd responded with more garbage. But I'd be lying if I claimed that was the end of it. In tears, I went to my husband and recounted the vile things this mom-shamer had said to me. Of course, he said exactly what I needed to hear: That this person didn't know me. She had no idea what kind of mom I was [7]. And it was easy for her to say horrible stuff about me from the safety of her computer, wherever the hell she lived.

I knew all of this was true. But it took me days, maybe weeks, to get her comment out of my mind. YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE A MOTHER. YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE A MOTHER. Years later, I still remember how badly her words hurt. And any time I'm feeling insecure or down on myself about my parenting choices [9], I hear those words in my head: YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE A MOTHER.

I can't change what was said or how negatively it affected me, but here's the positive I take away: mom-shaming has a real impact [10]. No matter how casually someone makes a remark, it can stay with a mother forever. And while I'm much more content with my parenting choices now and try not to let that noise affect me, I'll never forget it. And in turn, I watch what I say to other moms, both in person and online. You never know how low she's feeling or how much saying something supportive instead could change her life for the better.


Source URL
https://www.popsugar.co.uk/parenting/Stranger-Mom-Shamed-Me-Breastfeeding-45227558