Trying to conceive [1] is a unique and wild ride. Unlike previous sexual encounters where the end game was to, uh, "finish," now your goal is to make that little pregnancy stick show a plus sign [2]. Unlike all the after-school specials we watched as teenagers, getting pregnant might take more than a quickie under some bleachers. There's apps, books, thermometers, and each month feels like the longest one ever . . . until the next month, that is. Whether this is the first go-around or the fourth, these are things that every woman has thought at least once while trying to get pregnant [3].
- "Alright, that was my last period, here we go!" Hoping to say "sayonara" to periods is at least 20 percent of the joy of getting pregnant.
- "Am I really ready to do this thing?" I know I'm ready, but like, am I ready ready? Ready to devote a week to sex? Ready to track my cycle? Ready to have a kid (or a second kid)? I just don't know.
- "How many pregnancy tests can I buy without looking like a weirdo?" Don't mind me as I stack my basket with a dozen different tests.
- "TTC, DPO, BFN . . . what the f*ck do these all mean?" Learning the vernacular can be tricky, and it's yet another way to realise you've entered an overwhelming world.
- "I have a hard enough time keeping track of my work schedule, let alone my ovulation schedule." How did people get pregnant in the past without all these great apps?
- "Should I be scheduling our sex?" We're in the middle of binge-watching that show, should I schedule it before or after?
- "How many times is enough?" Five? Ten? It's so hard to know how many times to do it.
- "Yes to all the sex, assuming I can stay awake." When it doesn't feel a little monotonous, all the extra sex can be fun.
- "Let's do the damn thing!" Who cares that I ate onion pizza for dinner? This mama is ready to mingle.
- "How long do I need to lay here before I can get cleaned up?" The last thing I want to do is risk some spillage.
- "Seriously, can someone get me a podcast to listen to while I try to keep it all in?" So bored just lying here, and now I want to take a shower.
- "Oh, let's think about baby names!" No, it's never too early to have a list going of baby names.
- "Why hasn't technology invented a device that lets you test right after sex?" They have driverless cars and robotic surgeons, so they should have a way to test right after sex. Get on this, science!
- "But really, is three days postsex too soon?" Yes, definitely too early.
- "Ugh, waiting is the absolute worst." But, of course, don't stress about it, because stress can decrease your chances.
- "Is that a tingle in my breast?" Time to check for every minor symptom possible.
- "Why do I care so much?" I've lived my life great up until this point, why am I getting so worked up over this?
- "I think I feel pregnant!" I can't tell if that's morning sickness or if that breakfast burrito I got from the taco truck isn't sitting well.
- "What if I never get pregnant?" Take trying to conceive one cycle at a time, and it's best to not get too worked up over potential infertility right away.
- "Now I'm thinking about all the times I prayed I wasn't pregnant. What if I missed my only shot?" That wasn't the right baby and the right time.
- "I wonder what my family will think." Bringing family into this conversation could be great, or it could make things really awkward.
- "Oh, God, ew. Is this what my parents did to have me?" Just try to not think about it.
- "Three should be enough pregnancy tests to take, just in case." OK, maybe 4. I wouldn't want to take any chances.
- "Why does peeing on a stick feel so dramatic and stressful?" This is more stressful than merging onto a busy freeway or trusting a new hairstylist with a pixie cut.
- "OK, here we go!" Pregnant or not, I am totally ready.