Raising independent, self-sufficient children [1] is the goal of parenting, right? But actually letting your little birdies fly from the nest, away from your protection and care, can not only be difficult, it can feel downright unnatural. After all, we spend the first years of our kids lives doing pretty much everything for them, all the time, and it's hard to know when continuing that level of parenting [2] becomes more of a problem than a advantage for your kids.
Realistically, I know that my 7-year-old daughter is more than capable of walking to a friend's house a block away from ours by herself. Yet, I still worry every time she insists she doesn't need me to come along. I understand that she's often required to be independently motivated and autonomous at school, yet there's never been a time when I haven't helped her with her homework [3] or packed her a snack and lunch [4]. Hell, this is her third year at the same school, and I still worried if she'd make it from the bus to her classroom without getting lost on the first day.
Yet, I know that now's the time I need to start giving her a longer leash so that she learns how capable she truly is. Part of accomplishing this is to give her more to do around the house [5] — independent people don't usually let their moms clean their rooms. But I also need to get over my own fears about what could happen if she's not fully under my supervision at all times and let her fly . . . at least to the neighbour's house. If you're struggling with giving your kid independence without giving yourself anxiety, here's are 10 ways to start.
Let Them Play in Your Yard Unsupervised
Independence can start with something as simple as letting your kids play in your own backyard without you hovering [7]. Set boundaries about where they can roam and what activities are forbidden (i.e. throwing rocks at their sister) and discreetly check in regularly. You're still giving your children the illusion of being on their own.
Start Drop-Off Play Dates
Even as young as preschool, your kids will probably start being invited to play dates [8] where you're not expected to stick around. Of course, only agree to do so with parents you know and trust, but then, let it go. Your child can learn a lot by being around a new family and home environment, and not having mom around can help build independence.
Give Them Autonomy Over Their Own Space
It can be hard not to give up control of your kids' rooms [9]. I mean, you spent so much time, energy, and money making them cute. But, bigger kids can gain independence and learn responsibility if you let them take ownership of their own spaces, requiring them to keep them tidy but not having unrealistic expectations about what that means — or taking over if even your realistic expectations aren't always met.
Find a Carpool
Carpooling definitely has its advantages [10], one of them being you're proving to your child that you trust them to be responsible with their own possessions and to get from point A to point B without you. You know you've vetted the parent driving and trust them to provide any help your kid needs, but your child feels a sense of self-sufficiency.
Sign Them Up For Drop-Off Classes
Whether your child shows a liking for performing arts, karate [11], dance, or skateboarding, find a local class that lets you drop your child off at the beginning and pick them up at the end. Sure, they'll have a teacher or instructor who's supervising, but without a parent present, they'll be better able to spread their wings.
Let Them Walk to a Neighbour's House Solo
Around first or second grade, consider letting your child walk a block or two to a friend's house without you holding their hand on the journey. Truth be told, I only let my 7-year-old daughter do this when she's going to see a friend whose mom's number is in my phone. I text when she leaves the house, the friend's mom texts me when she arrives, but my daughter doesn't have to know that.
Send Them to Camp
Summer camp [12] is another great way to give your child a sense of independence in an environment that you know is relatively safe and supervised. Even if your child isn't a huge fan of sleepovers [13], you might be surprised at how much they love the camp experience. More than one of my daughter's 7-year-old friends begged their moms to let them stay an additional week at sleepaway camp next Summer.
Drop Them Off in a Safe Environment
Around age 11 or 12, your child is probably mature enough to be dropped off in a safe environment, like the movies, a library, or a local coffee shop, for a couple of hours without parental supervision. You know your child and their friends best, so use your own judgment about where they're ready to venture. A solo adventure lets them practice keeping to a schedule, manageing money, and interacting with the world without a parent's guiding hand.