Growing up, I always envisioned having kids someday. But when I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant at 22, my life was forever changed. I had finally found something that touched me on the deepest levels of my soul. Motherhood tempered my fear of vulnerability. Sure, I was still afraid of letting other people in, but not my baby. He was my everything. Three and a half years later, I had my second child [1] and, oh my goodness, was I in for a painful awakening. Being needed by two people, pouring every ounce of my heart, body, and time into two little humans, was exhausting. I spent almost my entire 20s raising infants into toddlers into preschoolers into big kids. Those years took all of me, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
But having the "kids" conversation with my peers has been unexpectedly challenging.
Now, I'm in my early 30s. I have an 8 year old. (How can that be?!) I've also become single again [3], possibly because when I turned 30, I realised I had no idea who I was, who I wanted to be, or what I enjoyed. So I quit everything to take the time to rediscover myself after giving all of me away for so long. As I navigate singlehood [4], I'm encountering a situation that I wasn't quite expecting. When I was younger, it seemed that everyone got married and had babies in their early to mid-20s. Now, it seems like no one I know has kids yet and is planning on having them in their 30s. And to be frank, I sure as hell am not one of those people. I completely respect people who choose to wait. In fact, I probably would have waited, too, if back then I was the person that I am today. But having the "kids" conversation with my peers has been unexpectedly challenging.
The reality is, I don't want any more kids [5]. I love the ones I've got so much that it physically hurts at times. But my body has been through two pregnancies. Two recoveries. Two experiences where my life came to a standstill while my kids moved through the beautiful process of growing up. I will never regret those experiences, but I'm going to pass on having them again [6]. I've had potential partners say that I'll change my mind. They insist that because they want kids and want to be with me, I'll eventually be ready to have more . . . what an assumption. No one should feel pressured to have or not have kids because of what someone else thinks they should do.
Navigating relationships [8] with such a deal-breaker type of scenario is such a different experience from dating in my 20s, when having kids in the future just seemed to be a given. Now it's essential to filter through these questions before ever moving beyond a first date with someone. Knowing that I don't want any more kids is so freeing because I can dedicate my time to my own pursuits. I have a chance to show my kids what chasing your dreams and passions and excitements looks like. And while I'm thankful for what the sleepless nights and milk-soaked shirts brought me, I'm also pretty glad I don't have to go back to them. I'd rather cherish the memories I already have.