Figuring out the best ways to shape tiny humans into well-adjusted adults can feel like any parent's personal Mt. Everest, especially when your parenting style clashes with your partner's way of doing things. To avoid the frustration and confusion of on-the-spot disagreements, my husband and I came up with five rules to follow when we don't see eye to eye. We created rules that could apply to any situation and let the common sticking points in our communication style inspire the five-step process. When we live by our rules, our relationship is stronger and our home feels more like a well-oiled machine . . . and less like a battlefield. Next time you find yourself in a stalemate with your partner, give these a try! Hopefully they'll help you as much as they help us.
Rules My Partner and I Use to Coparent Without Fighting
5 Rules My Husband and I Follow When We Disagree About Parenting
Rule No. 1: Don't Hash It Out in the Moment
Nothing says "united front" like stepping into the metaphorical boxing ring with your partner to duke out whether or not your spectating toddler can have yet another piece of cake. Unless the decision is urgent and highly consequential, one of us will take the reins in the moment, then we'll discuss later how to handle similar situations in the future. This makes our coparenting conversations more productive and calm and helps us avoid turning each other into "the bad guy" in front of the kids.
Rule #2: Decide If We Need to Be United
Two people with unique world views are destined to see some parenting circumstances through different lenses, and often, it's a nonissue. We've saved ourselves from some of the pressures of parenting by acknowledging that both plans of attack will get the job done and letting each other run with whatever feels right. After all, whether or not our little man wears socks with his sandals probably won't make or break his future.
Rule #3: Focus on the Desired Outcome
Even though our methods vary, my husband and I are often aligned in what we're hoping to achieve. At one point, we disagreed on how quickly we should intervene when our son became frustrated with a task. We talked through our hopes of fostering independence while maintaining a sense of safety and support, and the 2:1 rule was born. After two attempts at the task on his own and one attempt with verbal coaching, we've agreed to step in and help him get the job done. This focuses our efforts as parents and helps us understand each other a little better (a big plus in partner world).
Rule #4: Include the Kids
It's easy to forget that these little people we're raising need to become independent decision makers someday, so why not dish out what they're ready for? When my husband and I have a different plan in mind and our kids are up to the task at hand, we offer age-appropriate alternatives for them to choose from and commit to rolling with it. That way, they're given opportunities to develop critical thinking and ownership skills, and we're freed up to focus on the bigger parenting fish that need frying.
Rule #5: Write It Down
When we come across circumstances that are bound to repeat themselves (like our son hitting his little sister for the umpteenth time or how we handle screen time), we like to keep a record of how we've decided to navigate the situation in a parenting journal. The journal is a lifeline when we're trying to form new habits, and it keeps us on the same page. Plus, it's a blast to look back on those times when we were just certain we knew what we were doing.