Frankly, me without mascara [1] is like a turtle without its shell: alarming to behold and extremely vulnerable to the elements. I just don't feel like myself without it, and would sleep, swim, and live in the stuff permanently if eye docs didn't also say that the accumulation of mascara [2] could lead to an erosion through my conjunctival surface [3]. (The dilemma — tell me about it.)

Still, nobody knows the value of something that lasts forever more than tattoo artist Kat Von D, and now her bespoke beauty line [4] is coming out with its first mascara called in nearly five years. (In the interest of turtles, it's also worth noting the formula is vegan.) Anyway, the launch felt kismet. I stocked up on two.

Keep reading ahead to see if the Go Big Or Go Home Mascara lived up to the hype. . . although you can probably guess I had a really, really, really hard time letting it go at the end of the day.

Kat Von D Beauty Go Big Or Go Home Mascara

First of all, the tube itself is, dare I say, chonky. It feels heavy — like you're holding the weight of your eyelashes' future in your hands. What makes the Kat Von D Beauty Go Big Or Go Home Mascara [5] ($23, launching April 19) really cool, though, is that it's made with plant-based fats (as opposed to beeswax or other polymers) to give it its volumizing properties, and boy... does it work.

Kat Von D Go Big Or Go Home Mascara

I typically apply about 4,209 swipes of mascara on your average day, but this formula required fewer layers. This is what it looked like after about, if I had to do the maths, 10.

Kat Von D Go Big Or Go Home Mascara

This is the final product, and I am damn impressed. Not only does the mascara not clump going on, it also doesn't flake or — and I can't stress the importance of this part enough — budge, for a full day. What else could someone with turtle-like tendencies possibly want (besides one as a pet, probably)?