What's the best way to explain to my kids why I'm crying?
The amount of details and background you give a child usually has to do with how old they are. Dr. Fristad gave the hypothetical example of explaining to children that their grandfather was stopping treatment for stage 4 cancer. Here's what she recommended by age:
- Toddlers: Try to stay general about the situation for kids in this age group. "While children don't need to know all the details of adults' dilemmas and decision-making . . . the child would not need to hear all the pros and cons," Dr. Fristad explained. "It's important to convey that parents can still protect and nurture their children, even if the parent is sad. Think about saying something like: 'I am just feeling really sad right now because Grandpa's health isn't very good. I don't think he'll live much longer, so I'm glad our family can go visit him soon, and I'm even more glad that we have had so many happy times together.'"
- Kids in grade school: "Add more context and decision-making information," she said, suggesting that parents explain the thought process behind the decision by saying something along the lines of: "We've had lots of discussions about how much more treatment to pursue, but it doesn't seem to make sense to try anything else. The side effects of the chemo are so unpleasant, and the doctors don't think that even with chemo that he could live much longer."
- Tweens and teens: The older kids get, the more candid you can be with them about sad circumstances. "Parents can start to voice their own preferences about end-of-life decisions and engage their children in broader discussions," Dr. Fristad advised. They can also engage tweens and teens in conversations about how aggressive treatments might not necessarily improve their grandpa's quality of life or make him live longer.
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