Finally, I blow-dried my hair in sections starting with the knots in the back above my neck. I split each one up into smaller bits, so the barrel brush could get a good grip. I was able to straighten my roots this way but still work quickly enough that the front of my hair wasn't frizzy and half dry by the time I got there (something else that haunts me from previous attempts).
After I finished, I rubbed a couple drops of this Mizani 25 Miracle Nourishing Oil ($22) between my palms, then put a dab on my roots and a dab on my ends before using my still-slick hands to smooth throughout the rest of my hair. My hair didn't frizz up as the day went on, I must assume thanks (in part) to the jojoba and sunflower seed oils holding it down.
When I woke up the next morning, I gave myself another smug smile in the mirror for my newfound hair self-sufficiency. Sure, I haven't yet mastered an unusual hobby or artistic skill like DIY nail design while staying home, but I was finally able to give myself a blowout that resulted in sleek hair and no sore arms.
If you'd told me that back in January, I would have laughed in your face.
Now about those ends…