I never knew your mental health could so heavily dictate how you feel about sex. When I was a teenager and in my early 20s, I never thought my sex drive could be "turned off." I had a constant interest and energy and was always finding new ways to get high off of love. Fast forward to just a few years later, and I can't seem to get high off of anything. The confidence I once felt about putting myself out there has been replaced with fear, and the fun and excitement I once felt about dating has been replaced with me deleting dating apps just to avoid people. A lot of this has to do with the grief I've felt after the tragic loss of my mother in 2018. Since then, I can count on less than one hand the people I've sought sexual comfort in. Nothing and nobody could make me feel better.
When I lost my mom, I lost something I was able to attach myself to. I constantly found myself in this battle between "Am I getting over this too fast?" and "Am I not moving on fast enough?" While some can work through this by finding love and comfort in someone else's arms, there are many others, like me, who can't seem to get far enough away from potential partners.
Yes, I miss connection, intimacy, and touch, but until I get the green light from my body and mind, I will continue to protect my sexual wellbeing.
After a loss, it's easy to feel like you're not enough. You become a different person from who you were before your grief. You no longer see yourself as you once were, and trying to navigate this new normal is incredibly challenging. At least that's what happened to me.
My depression and anxiety kicked in almost as soon as my grief did. Because depression can change the chemical make-up in our brains, people dealing with it can be less likely to have a libido. The tiredness that also comes along with it can take away all energy for intimacy. And because depression is a lonely experience, I've found it nearly impossible to connect with people in that way. Grief can also make people feel like they've lost their sense of control and make them worry about what else they could lose in the future. This makes it hard to separate coping with reality. You can become so focussed on trying to move forward that you're blind to things that might make you feel good. And many times you don't think you deserve to feel good because you've lost something that can never be replaced. This is even worse when you're in the denial phase of your grief.
It's been two years since my mom passed and I'm still working through my grief.
I always fear that my mom is looking at all of the decisions I'm making and shaking her head at them. That shame sometimes prevents me from wanting to be intimate with someone. I've had a hard time reconciling with the fact that when someone's gone, they're gone and not watching my every move. I know I should be thinking that my mother would be happy that I'm trying to move on and get back to my new normal — which includes having a healthy sex life — but I'm just not there yet.
During sex, we open ourselves up on a physical level while also being extremely vulnerable on an energetic and emotional level. When you're depressed, anxious, and grieving, it's hard to open up at all. From my experience, it's almost harder to have a casual hook up with someone you don't know much about. Although some may say the opposite, I think waiting to have sex with someone you're truly comfortable with is better than trying to fill a void.
I know the more I practice being present with myself and my feelings, the better my emotional state will be. Introducing more self-care routines like exercise, rest, and moments to myself will help with the healing process. But one thing I won't do is blame myself or tell myself I'm unloveable. Yes, I miss connection, intimacy, and touch, but until I get the green light from my body and mind, I will continue to protect my sexual wellbeing. I won't rush it.
Grief is not a numbers game. Just because there are different steps of grief doesn't mean that you take all of them in order or are simply done after a set amount of time. My grief is something that I'll have with me forever. How I choose to let it affect me, though, is up to me. And I'm still figuring that out.