Don't Bed Share, Baby the Mother, and More Essential Tips For First-Time Parents From Dr. Harvey Karp

Dr. Karp describes the current Western family set up as "the most abnormal family ever existing on the planet" and feels we've lost the support we once had. Historically, families and communities would work together to raise children. It's only in the past 100 years or so that the responsibility has fallen so heavily on the parents (and particularly the mother) to raise children almost single-handedly. "Today, if you have a nanny, you're well off. But you really should have five nannies."

"Mothers should be babied as much as the baby is being babied." Dr. Karp says. "[Historically] The mother was babied, and then she gave all of that love and attention to her baby. Now, we've not only taken it away, but even in the hospital, it's 'you're the best one for your baby, call us if you need us!' and suddenly you have a baby . . . and you're on your own! That's never happened in the history of humanity. The biggest lie is that women are sold this bill of goods that that's normal, that that's what they should expect, and if they ask for help, they're weak, they're needy, they're complaining." He emphasises the importance of supporting and nurturing the mother, not just the baby, before and after birth.

"It isn't intuitive. People say 'oh you naturally know this,' but it's actually the opposite," says Dr. Karp of the techniques needed to calm fussy babies. "It actually is quite counterintuitive. But when you know the skills, and especially when you understand that you're imitating what their sensations were in the womb, it makes sense, and when you do it and it works, then that reinforces that message."

The biggest mistake new parents make? "Not getting information. Just thinking that it's going to all work out perfectly. We have this glowy, bubbly sense of optimism, which is a wonderful thing, because you need that optimism to get through all the difficult times. But [people say] 'No-one told me, I didn't realise,' and of course hundreds of people were telling them, but it's like Teflon, it just doesn't stick to you because you're in the glow of it all."

Dr. Karp advises reading books and watching instructional videos, speaking to family and friends, and — once again — asking for help when that optimism inevitably fades. "People need to recognise that by allowing people to help, you're actually building your relationship, you'll pay back the favour some time . . . It shares this beauty of having a child with the broader group of your friends and family, it isn't something that you should be so restricted on."

The subject of bed-sharing and cosleeping has been a hot topic in recent years, but Dr. Karp is very clear with his advice. "We say don't bring the baby in bed with you if you're drunk. That's been associated with cot death. When you're sleep deprived, you're the equivalent of drunk." Dr. Karp explains. "You can't be responsible for what you do in a deep sleep. What's recommended to parents is 'do not bed share if you're very tired' — who isn't very tired if you have a baby?!" This is why he designed a smart sleeper that is completely independent to the parents' own bed. The Snoo has no drop-down sides or fasteners, though you can purchase different legs to ensure it lines up easily to your bed for quick access to your baby during nighttime feeding sessions.

That said, Dr. Karp does recognise that changes in safe sleeping advice are, in part, to blame for the rise in bed-sharing. "Before the 1990s, which was when we started recommending back sleeping, almost no-one bed shared. Why? Because babies sleep better on their stomachs." He explained. "By flipping them to the back, we actually undermined their sleep . . . that's really when swaddling started back up again, and white noise, and people started, just by intention or by accident, bringing the baby in bed with them." However, though it may be more difficult to get a baby to sleep on its back, it is by far the safest way, and Dr. Karp's safe sleeping recommendations are similar to those outlined by the Lullaby Trust and the NHS in the UK, which make it clear that putting a baby to sleep on its back, in its own bed, significantly reduces the chances of SIDS.

"Men are absolutely terrible at breastfeeding, but they're very very good at baby calming! The swaddling is like an engineering task, and the jiggling, women are a little bit more timid about doing that, men are a little bit more willing to follow the directions," Dr. Karp explains, of his famous approach to baby calming, known as the 5 S's. He encourages dads to step up when it comes to baby calming, explaining, "that really supports the mom in her feeding and other care for the baby." It also helps dads to strengthen their bond with a new baby, especially if the mother is exclusively breastfeeding.

This is Dr. Karp's final "bumper sticker" message for all new parents. "Ideology is a wonderful guide for you. You need to have an understanding of how you want the birth to go, how you live your pregnancy, what your expectations are with your baby . . . and then you have to let go of that and basically ride the wave. One thing about being a parent is everything that you're expecting is not going to work out. You basically have to play the cards you're dealt." In short: give yourself a break.

"If you judge yourself at every single step of the way, then it's a very unhappy process. But if you understand you're the vessel, you are really part of the grand scheme of life, and people around can help you and guide you, then it's a much easier journey."