Wishing to Be “The Dad” Isn't the Way to Level Things Up For Mums

Choosing whether to have children is an incredibly personal decision no-one should be weighing in on apart from the individual themselves. In fact even "choosing" whether to be a parent is often a privilege some are not afforded.

But one argument that is becoming prevalent in some areas, and I find hard to hear, is the idea of women saying: "I don't want to be a mum — but I'd consider being a dad."

Confused? Well, really, it is what it says on the tin. What they're trying to say is that they don't want the largely recognised role of mother, but the traditional role of a father does appeal.

It's a punchline comedian Chelsea Handler, who talks openly about loving her child-free life, has previously used in her stand-up. "I say I don't want to be a mother," she jokes. "But I wouldn't mind being a divorced dad … I could crush that role, coming in hot at like 50% all the time. Showing up Friday afternoons with unicorn frappuccinos, and then back to the Cheesecake Factory, and then back to Starbucks, and then drop them off and skedaddle Monday before shit really hits the fan." It's a good joke, because, well, it makes sense.

Recently the idea picked up again when a TikTok by user RealReaderEmily went viral — a stitch with a video that asked: "I want to know what your number one reason is for not having kids."

"Mine is because I can't be a dad, I would have to be a mom," she says. "And I don't have any interest in being a mom. But in a different world where roles are reverse if I could be a dad instead I probably would be interested in having a kid, maybe two."

@realreaderemily025

#stitch with @Danni Duncan no interest in being a mom #childfree #childfreebychoice #childfreetiktok #DINK

♬ original sound - RealReaderEmily

She goes on to explain: "Men get to show up at the very beginning one time, wait nine months for the baby to come and then they get to be Super Dad for playing ball in the park or going to the grocery store with just them and the kid or putting a frozen lasagna in the over and being called Super Dad. Like, the bar is so incredibly low for dads and so incredibly high for moms that I have no interest in being a mom, I would only have interest in being a dad."

There's plenty here to agree on. There are too many studies to count that prove that motherhood impacts your body adversely, harms your career, lowers your earnings, opens you to discrimination, leaves you mentally loaded and that all of this and society's inability to fix the childcare cost conundrum in many Western countries has only lengthened the time it's going to take for women to achieve anything close to gender equality or pay equity. Conversely, there's also plenty of studies to show that not only does this not happen to men, but that in many cases, having children increases everything from their desirability to their earning potential.

So she's right that the playing field between mums and dads isn't just uneven, it's practically dune-like.

She's also right to say that the credit given to men for completing tasks women do in parenthood is galling. My stomach crunches every time I hear a "he's good, isn't he?!" usually from the older generation, on seeing a man do something as simple as take their own child to a playground.

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And, of course, if that's anyone's reasoning for not wanting a child , that's completely understandable and their decision. There are few more personal discussions.

But as someone who has campaigned on the rights of mothers and childcare costs in this country, one thing that I've always found hard is getting people to realise that the rights of mothers are directly linked to the rights of all women. And that you can't solve the issues of women (or actually lots of problems in society from poverty to crime) without solving the issues of mothers. It's anyone's right to choose which issues they want to campaign for or against, what hill they want to die on, of course. But many a time I've found myself dismayed that for most women, the will and desire to campaign on behalf of mothers and the inequalities they face often starts on the day they become one.

In the same way I roll my eyes at men who start sentences "As a father of daughters, I understand…" I wish sometimes people didn't have to have the personal investment before we saw the importance of levelling things up for mothers.

That's why the idea of "wanting to be the dad, not the mum" just makes me feel a bit sad (which isn't to say it's wrong, or not a valid opinion for someone to hold). Because there are relationships that are more equitable, or even push against the gender stereotypes that are out there, especially in the case of queer families. And I do believe there are ways to attain those things, if that's what you're looking for in your own set-up.

Of course many people noted in the comments, no matter how equitable your personal relationship is, there's still the tiny issue of society as a whole. And I do understand that. But if no-one tries to level things up, do it differently, shows that it's possible even part of the time or part of the way (to their children, to society, to people deciding whether to parent or not) then nothing will change.

Don't get me wrong, it's not on people who don't want to parent (or are on the fence) to have kids just to change the ways of the world. That's — guess what?! — just another load for parents, and mainly mothers, to have to carry. And if you don't want to parent, there's also things you could do to still support parents, particularly mothers, as part of your feminism.

To see people say they want to parent if things were different, though, is tough to watch. Because if more people who want things to be different don't do things differently, then things might not always stay the same, but any progress possible certainly will be slower.