Study Says Women Age Slower the More Kids They Have, So Why Do I Feel Like I'm 117 Years Old?

A study from 2016 has been bubbling up lately, and I think I might have an idea why. In it, researchers at Simon Fraser University suggest that the number of children born to a woman influences the rate at which her body ages. But if you think the more kids one has, the more rapidly one deteriorates, you'd be mistaken. These alleged scientists claim that women who give birth to more children exhibit longer telomeres, which are the protective tips at the end of each DNA strand. And longer telomeres mean more longevity.

Short answer: the more kids a woman has, the slower she ages.

What the actual f*ck?

As a woman with two young kids, I can assure you that despite my real age (let's just say 30-something), it's looking more like I've been on this earth for a good century.

I have always been one to believe in science. The earth is round. Climate change is real. Evolution happened. But maybe science is just one big lie after all. I mean, if mums age slower than childless women, why do I . . .

• get winded washing my hair in the shower
• google "pelvic floor exercises," then never do them
• always forget my WiFi password
• talk about how much stuff used to cost
• eat hard candy
• relate to Grace and Frankie way more than that teeny bopper Riverdale show
• get excited about limited-edition stamps
• tell my kids things like, "you don't know how good you have it" or "you'll see . . . someday, you'll see!"
• complain that my Amazon Alexa doesn't understand me
• never recognise anything on the radio
• freak out when the neighbours are being too loud after 8 p.m.
• forget my blinker is on
• have an ability to instantly fall asleep anywhere except my bed
• wonder about how much fibre I'm eating
• shed more hair than my dog
• add water to the shampoo bottle to get the last bit out
• talk about the room temperature
• no longer even notice that my boobs are saggy
• get frustrated at the grocery store checkout line, go to self-checkout, then screw everything up so badly that an attendant has to assist me
• eat dinner at 4 p.m.
• refuse to start a movie after 9 p.m. because I "won't make it"
• pee myself when I laugh
• use the phrase "rest my eyes"
• pee myself when I sneeze
• ask where my keys are when they are in my hand
• pee myself when I cough
• pee myself for no good reason at all

How is having more kids going to make those things less likely to happen, huh? Riddle me that, science.