I've struggled with depression since my 20s and treated it with therapy and medication. I stopped taking medication before conceiving and hoped that the natural happy pregnancy hormones would continue after baby was born. But that wasn't the case. I should have recognised the symptoms immediately and visited my doctor at the first signs, since previous depression increases the risk of PPD. I didn't talk to friends and family, because I felt they wouldn't understand PPD. And I felt conflicted because I couldn't understand why I was feeling depressed. I had every reason to be happy, between my baby, husband and new home. But I didn't want to hear about how grateful I should be. All my life, I wanted to have a family, yet I couldn't be happy about it. What was wrong with me?
After baby was 1 month old, my husband noticed that I was still weepy and irritable. We both knew that the depression I suffered in the past was returning. I went to see my doctor, and I burst into tears when she asked how I was feeling. I didn't have a clear answer as to why I was crying. I felt a deep sense of sorrow, but there wasn't a defining reason. That's when I knew it was more than the baby blues. She put me on antidepressants. After a week, I started feeling better. I felt as though the brain chemicals were leveling out, and I started to feel more like myself again.
With my second baby, born 11 years ago, I went off my medication before conceiving, and then went back on after giving birth without hesitation. But I also felt more prepared. He didn't have colic like my first; I felt more confident as a mother in doing daily tasks like diaper changing and breastfeeding. And I also felt more comfortable asking for help, which I didn't do with my first.
With PPD, you can't "shake it off" or "snap out of it". You can't just will yourself to be more positive. The brain is such a complex organ. Sometimes we fail to realise that mental illness, just like a physical illness, is real. There is no shame in getting help.
— Maria Lianos-Carbone, 43, author of Oh Baby! A Mom's Self-Care Survival Guide for the First Year and blogger at amotherworld.com, Toronto, Ontario