“I felt that I’d done harder things and I could just cope.”
I didn't truly understand that I was suffering from PPD for at least a year after the birth of my only son, who is now 23 years old. But I started to feel sad and anxious right away. I had very low self-esteem and doubt about being a good enough mother. I was angry and frustrated, and I cried a lot. At the same time, it was mixed in with joy at the birth of my healthy son — plus a lack of sleep and the drastic change of becoming a stay-at-home mom after working full-time — and it was difficult to parse out my emotions.
I had seen a therapist a few years prior for depression, although I hadn't been for years. I went to see her again when my son was about 10 weeks old. She said I had PPD and told me I was at 30 percent higher risk of becoming depressed after giving birth as I had a depressive episode before. Because I didn't think I needed that much help, I didn't go to therapy consistently. I believed her and was glad to get a name for it, but I felt that I'd done harder things in my life and I could just cope. I also felt ashamed. I kept it a secret; 23 years ago, PPD wasn't talked about the way it is now.
When my son was about 8 months old, I went back to see my therapist, and she urged me then to see a psychiatrist for medication. I was afraid to take an antidepressant because I was breastfeeding and there wasn't much research back then. In retrospect, I wish I had, as it would've probably helped me. Instead, I sought out counseling. My therapist became my safe haven. After two years, I felt more back to myself.
Because of my experiences with PPD, I studied complementary methods of healing to become a licenced massage therapist and professional counselor. In 1997, I went to school to study shiatsu and acupressure, and then I studied birth hypnosis and doula work. I studied psychology and got my masters degree, becoming a licenced psychotherapist in 2004.
The biggest [misconception] my clients have about PPD is that a woman can do it all: keep at her same level of professional work, take care of a baby and just get back to work. But a perinatal mood disorder can be devastating, and there are many forms of perinatal mental illness besides PPD. Becoming a parent is an adult developmental life stage that needs to be identified and discussed, so that people know it's difficult, there are many emotions that accompany it, and it's normal to go through an identity shift. Help is available, and you can get better!
— Kathy Morelli, LMT, LPC, licenced massage therapist and professional counselor, Wayne, NJ