“PPD was feeling overprotective to a detriment.”
I didn't have PPD with my first child four years ago, but my second child Pepper's birth two years ago was a traumatic, life-altering moment. Shortly after arriving home, I began having horrible nightmares. I wouldn't let Pepper out of my sight. I worried constantly; if we went for a walk, I would envision my kids getting hit by a car. It was paralyzing. I could not control my emotions or get the thoughts out of my head. It's almost as if something had taken over my body.
My husband noticed there was an issue and that all my senses had been heightened. He would try to talk me down and tell me I needed to relax. Neither of us had any idea the severity of the situation and thought it was just hormones from pregnancy. While I had heard about PPD, I thought it was a disconnect between mother and child. I was not aware there were other ways to suffer. If I had known that PPD was also feeling overprotective to a detriment, I might have been able to get help much sooner.
One day a helicopter flew low nearby and I dove across the room on top of my kids because I was afraid it was crashing into our house. I began to cry, thinking something was wrong with me but not knowing what it was. It gave my husband and me a scare, so I reached out to a therapist that day. I was diagnosed with PPD, and the doctors also thought I had PTSD from my traumatic birth. I began antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds and went to two-hour therapy sessions twice a week.
At first, I brought my kids to my appointments because I couldn't leave them. My first "homework assignment" was to go to Target alone for 30 minutes. I spent 25 of those minutes in the bathroom vomiting and crying. But I pushed for my kids and my husband. I wanted to feel happy and secure again. My husband was supportive and made a habit of asking me if I was okay. I know that my behaviour impacted my family, yet they all circled around me and helped me back up. Within a month, I was able to process what was happening and start putting things into perspective. In about four months, I noticed a real difference. But I still have days where I flash back to the delivery room. I still have overly protective thoughts, and I have to take a deep breath and stop for a moment.
I'd tell any woman diagnosed with PPD to cut yourself a break and give it time. And do not ever doubt yourself as a mother. We as moms have to find the strength to put ourselves first sometimes, knowing if we don't our children may suffer. Don't be afraid to speak up and ask for a shoulder.
— Jeni Elizabeth Bianco, 37, network and celebrity wardrobe stylist