How My Divorce Taught Me to Be a Better Father
I Was a Really Bad Husband — But Here's How It Made Me a Better Father
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Most of the behaviours that destroy romantic relationships are not things that both partners recognise as toxic. In my marriage, I wasn't aware that certain things I did adversely affected my wife's emotional health. I would never hurt my wife on purpose, but I couldn't even see the hurt I was causing, which was the root of the problem. And I find myself sometimes falling into the same pitfalls with my son.
Nothing creates more stress in my house than the rush to get my son to school on time. While I'm not guilt-free in the poor time management department, my soon-to-be sixth grader is largely responsible for holding us up on school mornings. He's slow to clean. Slow to dress. Slow to eat. Slow to brush teeth. Slow to put on shoes. Slow to NOT play with toys he shouldn't be playing with because we're trying to get to school on time.
I used to raise my voice, tell him I was disappointed, on and on and on. But after enough bad mornings of dropping off my son at school, not seeing him again for another two or three days (while he was with his mom), thinking about how awful both he and I were feeling, and what either of us might think or feel if that was the last interaction we ever had . . . I decided to change.
I bought a little black rubber wrist bands with the word "FOCUS" on it. I wear it on my left wrist to remind me that I love my son and value my relationship with him more than him doing exactly what I say, when I say it. Now, instead of spazzing when he's making us late, or participating in an escalating fight that results in me punishing him or making him cry, I make choices that reflect my mindfully adjusted priorities.