How My Divorce Taught Me to Be a Better Father
I Was a Really Bad Husband — But Here's How It Made Me a Better Father
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In my marriage, I sometimes used conversations with my wife to "win." Maybe I disagreed with her. Maybe I was defending myself. Maybe we were having an innocent debate about something arbitrary, but it was always a competition. I never recognised how much damage I was causing by not checking my competitive ego at the door. Sometimes people view these moments in isolation. But every conversation with someone you love is an opportunity to increase your connection with them, or decrease it. Even if you could somehow be objectively "correct" or "win" in some opinion-based debate with your spouse, is the damage caused by verbally beating them into submission worth the victory?
Though I learned the lesson too late with my ex-wife, my goal when talking to my son is never to "win." My goal is to have a great relationship with him. For him to know he's loved. For him to know I have his back. For him to know that most of what I do revolves around what a precious priority he is for me.
So instead of yelling, I hug him. Instead of telling him that I'm disappointed in him, I remind him that he's my favourite person. I tell him that I'm proud of the young man he's growing into. I tell him how much I appreciate it when he helps me accomplish our goals — the big ones and the little ones, like getting to school on time. It's the single most important and specific change I've made in an interpersonal relationship. If I'd done it in my marriage, I'd still be married.